Out Of Control

I am completely out of control. The last few days in this house have been bad. I have been running around trying to keep everything from falling apart. I have been following my boys, trying to make sure they are behaving at all times. I have been trying to keep up with laundry and dishes and routine cleaning.

I have lost it. I haven't done much of anything. I am living off of only a few hours of sleep. Simon doesn't seem to want to sleep at night. He is sleeping all day, and then up all night. I know the solution. I am supposed to keep waking him up during the day. Yea, that doesn't work. Either he doesn't wake up, or he does and screams unless I am holding him. I am really at a loss for what I need to do. I find myself taking naps with the boys just to get more than the normal 2-3 hours of sleep I get at night. There are times when I can't nap, so instead I try to catch up on housework.

I don't even want to talk about homeschooling. That is not going as planned either.

I have found myself crying because I can't handle it.

I wonder if I will ever get a break. We are driving to Tampa for Thanksgiving, to see family that is coming from Minnesota, and also family in Tampa. I am so excited, because I know I will have a break from the kids.

I feel guilty for feeling this way. I am supposed to have fun with the kids. I am supposed to enjoy all the time I spend with them. I am supposed to be in control. That power has been taken from me.

Guess who took away my power?  GOD!!!

He and I both know that I can't do it on my own. For some reason, I have been neglecting asking Him for help. I have been turning to everyone, but Him. Why? I know He is the only one that can truly help me. He is the only one that matters.

I am starting over. I know that the last few days, or weeks, may have damaged my kids precious minds and hearts. I am changing the schedule of events in this house. We are going to start the day the way the day should be started. We will all sit down and read the Bible and pray. This is the most important thing we need to do, and I have been slacking. We are going to pick a passage in the Bible to memorize. The kids love doing this, and are so good at it too. They already have quite a few verses memorized. Mostly the ones that have to do with obeying, like  Philippians 2:14 and Ephesians 6:1.

As for Simon, the only thing I can think of that will help with that situation is prayer. If I am able to be up with him all night, then I should be spending that time with Him all night. What a great opportunity for growing my relationship with Jesus. I have all this time that I am spending in a bad mood because I could be sleeping, and I am so tired, and I can't stop complaining. Instead, I am going to spend the time praying. There is so much that I could be praying for instead of complaining.

I am going to start spending time with the boys instead of letting them play on their own. They are going to have a lot less free play time, and possibly no TV time. I have been using the TV as a babysitter, and I don't want to do that anymore. If I just spend time teaching them the basics of how to be Godly men, then I won't have as many behavioral problems. Their misbehavior comes with being unsupervised.

I want my kids to have a better life than me. I want them to follow God. I want them to experience the relationship with Jesus Christ that their daddy and I have. I want them to experience it from childhood, and not go through the mess that we did. The only way for this to happen, is for God to choose them, and for them to choose God. For them to choose God, they must first know who He is. That is my part.

I am the one who is going to teach them who He is. I am so excited for this. I have so many fun ideas for teaching them all they need to know. We are going to have so much fun.

I will post more later on how everything is working with all this. In the meantime, please pray for me.